The Real Cost of Holding a Grudge | 5 Biblical Truths About Forgiveness

Who is really paying the price for your unforgiveness? In this video, I share 5 biblical truths about forgiveness that completely changed how I understand it — including a personal story about a conflict I've walked through with my own family that I've never shared publicly before.

Forgiveness in the Bible isn't just a feeling — it's a command, a cost, and ultimately a decision to hand the gavel back to God. Whether you're wrestling with how to forgive someone who hurt you, or you've been told forgiveness means pretending nothing happened, this video will challenge what you thought you knew.

🕊️ WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:
✅ Why forgiveness is a choice before it's a feeling (Colossians 3:13)
✅ Why forgiveness is always costly — and who pays for it
✅ The critical difference between forgiveness and trust (the Joseph story)
✅ Why remembering your own forgiveness is your greatest motivation to forgive
✅ Why forgiveness means handing the gavel back to God (Romans 12:19)

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 – The real cost of unforgiveness
1:04 – 5 biblical truths that changed how I see forgiveness
1:58 – Truth #1: Forgiveness is a choice before it's a feeling
3:35 – Truth #2: Forgiveness is expensive
4:36 – Truth #3: Forgiveness is not the same as trust
5:04 – My personal story: years of conflict with a neighbor
7:22 – What Joseph teaches us about forgiveness and trust
8:16 – Truth #4: Remembering how much you've been forgiven
10:00 – Truth #5: Forgiveness hands the gavel back to God
11:26 – How to actually release what's been holding you

If today's video encouraged or challenged you, I'd love to hear from you in the comments. Has forgiveness been something you've wrestled with? What biblical truth helped you the most?

I'm Mike Stone, and this is Truth Behind the Mike — every week we dig beneath the surface of faith and culture to discover what God's Word actually says. New here? Hit subscribe, I'd be honored to have you along.

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Transcript

0:00

I want you to think about the person who has hurt you more than anybody else. Maybe they betrayed you. Maybe they lied about you. Maybe they abandon you. Or maybe they've never even admitted what they did. Now, I want you to imagine your phone lights up and it's their name. Before you even opened the message, your heart starts racing. Your jaw. Titans. Every memory comes flooding back. That is the power of unforgiveness. It convinces us that the battle is happening today, when we've actually been fighting yesterday for years. So here's the question I want you to wrestle with. Who is paying the price for your unforgiveness? Because here's what I've learned. Most of the time it's us. Today, I'm going to share five biblical truths about forgiveness that completely changed how I understand this. I'm also going to share some personal issues that I've had recently about forgiveness. We'll talk about that in a bit when we get to truth number five. You are never going to think about revenge the same way again. You know, forgiveness may be one of the hardest commands that Jesus ever gave. Not because it's confusing, but because it's painful. When someone wounds us deeply, everything inside of us wants justice. We replay conversations. We imagine what we'd say if we ever got another chance. Sometimes we even rehearse arguments with people who aren't even in the room anymore. But while we think we're holding on to them, often what's really happening is bitterness is holding on to us. So let's go ahead and take a look at the five truths. And some of these may just surprise you. Truth number one forgiveness is a choice before it's a feeling. Here's the first misconception. Most people believe that forgiveness happens after the pain goes away, but Scripture teaches the exact opposite. We're going to look at Colossians 313, and I encourage you to to look this up yourself. It says, bear with each other and forgive one another. If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the Lord forgave you. Notice what Paul doesn't say. He doesn't say, hey, forgive as soon as you feel better. He simply commands believers to forgive because forgiveness is first a decision and not an emotion. Therein lies the problem. Feelings make terrible leaders, and if we wait until our emotions agree with our obedience, we may never obey. Here's an important distinction. Choosing forgiveness doesn't mean the pain instantly disappears. Sometimes healing will take months, sometimes years, and sometimes certain memories will still hurt. But forgiveness begins the moment that we release our right to personally collect the debt. The emotions often follow that decision, not the other way around. Truth number two forgiveness is expensive. Here's something we rarely talk about. But you know, forgiveness always costs someone. Imagine someone crashes into your parked car. The repairs cost $8,000. If you forgive the debt, someone still absorbs that loss. It's likely you. Forgiveness doesn't make the damage disappear. It simply changes who carries it. And the same is true spiritually. When Jesus forgave us, he didn't pretend that sin didn't matter at all. He paid for it himself. The cross teaches us that forgiveness isn't free. It's incredibly costly. Which means every time we forgive, we're choosing not to demand payment from the other person. We're absorbing a cost instead of collecting a debt that doesn't make forgiveness easy at all. That's the hard part, but it does make it Christ like truth number three. Forgiveness is not the same as trust. All right, now here's where many Christians get confused when we talk about forgiveness. Some believe forgiving means immediately restoring the relationship exactly as it was before. But Scripture doesn't teach that. I told you earlier I was going to share a personal story with you, and so I'm going to tell you why this subject is not just theology for me. For several years now, my wife and I have been living through conflict with a neighbor that has involved the courts and a tremendous amount of heartache. There have been days that I've gone to bed thinking about it, days I've woken up thinking about it. Days I wanted justice more than I wanted peace. And if I'm honest, there have even been moments when I caught myself rehearsing imaginary conversations in my head about what I wish I could say, or how I wish everything would finally turn out after a long time. The Holy Spirit really began asking me an uncomfortable question. Mike, who's carrying the heavier burden right now? Them or you? That's when I realized I could win every legal battle and still lose the battle for my heart. Now, it's important you hear me correctly and carefully here. Forgiveness does not mean that we pretend nothing happened. It doesn't mean abandoning wisdom. And it doesn't mean giving someone unrestricted access to your life again. In our situation, there are still legal matters that have to be handled appropriately. Justice still matters. Boundaries still matter. But God has been teaching me that while the courts may determine the legal outcomes, only Christ can determine whether bitterness lives in my heart. I've had people ask me over the years if they apologized, what would you do? And my answer, honestly has been I would forgive them. And in fact, I would welcome reconciliation. But reconciliation would also require rebuilding trust over time. Those aren't the same thing, you know? I pray for them. I genuinely do. Because as much as I want justice, I want something even more. I want them to really, truly know Christ. For a scriptural example about this, let's think about Joseph. His brothers betrayed him, sold him into slavery, destroyed years of his life that he could never get back. And when they finally stood before him decades later, Joseph eventually forgave them. Make sure you read that story. But notice something in this story. He didn't immediately place himself back into a vulnerable position. Instead, he tested them. He watched their responses. He looked for evidence that their hearts had changed. And there's lots of things we can pull from this. But one application I take from Joseph's story is this forgiveness and trust are not identical. Forgiveness can be given immediately. Trust has to be rebuilt over time. Sometimes reconciliations possible. Sometimes it isn't. Especially when there's been abuse, manipulation, or ongoing unrepentant sin involved. You can forgive someone completely while still maintaining wise boundaries. Look, forgiveness releases revenge. Boundaries exercise wisdom. Those are not contradictions. They're both biblical truth. Number four, your greatest motivation to forgive is remembering how much you've been forgiven. Jesus tells a story in Matthew 18 that's impossible to ignore in this situation. So a servant owes his king an absolutely staggering amount of debt, more money than he could ever repay in multiple lifetimes. The King forgives every penny. Then that same servant walks outside, finds another man who owes him comparatively very little. He grabs him by the throat and he demands payment. Think about that. Jesus intentionally makes the numbers outrageous. Why? Because that's the difference between our debt before a holy God and every debt that anybody owes us. Now, again, don't misunderstand me. Jesus is not minimizing your pain. Some wounds are incredibly deep. Some betrayals change lives forever. But compared to what Christ is forgiven in us, our great greatest motivation to forgive is remembering the mercy that we have already received. People who remember the cross find it much harder to cling to bitterness. Truth number five forgiveness hands the gavel back to God. You know, thought about forgiveness a lot. And here's the deepest reason many of us struggle with it. We're afraid justice won't happen. We think, hey, if I let this go, they're going to get away with it. You know, in Romans chapter 12, verse 19, it says, do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, it is mine to avenge. I will repay, says the Lord. Notice something? God never says justice doesn't matter. He says justice belongs to him. That's a huge difference. Forgiveness isn't declaring someone innocent. It's refusing to appoint yourself as judge. Look, one day, every lie ever betrayal, every hidden and justice will stand before the judge of all the earth. And nothing escapes him. Nothing. When we forgive, we simply are handing the gavel back to the one who's always had it. Well, I've shared one example of how I've wrestled personally with forgiveness. There have been a lot of other people through my life who have hurt me. People who have misunderstood me. People who have made life incredibly difficult. And I've often wanted justice more than peace. Maybe you've been there, too. Well, I eventually came back to what I've learned in Scripture. My bitterness wasn't hurting them nearly as much as it was hurting me, and it was stealing my joy. It was occupying my thoughts and clouding my heart. Maybe today there's someone who came to your mind while you were watching or listening to this. And maybe God has been gently bringing that person to your attention this entire time. If so, don't ignore it. That doesn't necessarily mean calling them. It doesn't mean restoring the relationship overnight. And it certainly doesn't mean pretending the hurt never happened. It means bringing that hurt before God and releasing your right to personally collect the debt. And it means trusting the judge of all the earth to do what's right, because one day every wrong will be answered, every tear will be wiped away, every injustice will be made right. Until then, you don't have to carry the gavel anymore. Lay it down. Let God be God and finally be free. If today's video encouraged or challenged you, I would love to hear from you in the comments below. Has forgiveness been something you've wrestled with? If so, what biblical truths have helped you the most? Let's encourage one another. Well, I'm Mike Stone, and if you're new here, welcome to Truth Behind the Mike. Every week we dig beneath the surface of faith and culture and scripture to discover what God's Word actually says. That sounds like something you're interested in. Hit subscribe. I'd be honored to have you along for the ride. Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time.